I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, you'll just hurt your chest.

I had so many walls up, brick by brick I'd laid them carefully, years ago, and they have served me well. So what if such protection made me numb, made me less of myself, made me forget what it was like to live - at least I was safe from heartache and longing, right? But that is just such bullshit to believe, and to feel, or not feel - I know, I know, because I've lived like that for so damn long. So I tore down the walls, took a mallet and shattered those bricks into tiny pieces, and watched as the wind up and carried them away. I stood there, stripped of fear and isolation, and maybe sense, and threw my hands in the air. Then I fell.

So here I am now, floating in the air -- and this altitude, well it makes me dizzy and breathless sometimes. I'd try to explain that my enthusiasm is because I feel alive for the first time in ages, and my heart is cracked open, completely. But I think I need to remember to breathe, to lie back and let myself float, to stop taking in so much damn oxygen. There is something to be said for letting things settle, too, for trusting that I will not drift too far, that I won't be forgotten too soon. There is something to learned here, too, for me - to wait, to trust, to believe. And I am trying, all of that, to trust, to wait, to believe - because I do believe in you.

I just hate the scars that I'm noticing on myself, in myself, coming to the surface because I'm allowing myself to feel. And I hate the fear that creeps in, and the way I feel so small, so messy, so full of the holes that self-doubt brings. I wish I could quell this impatience, this feeling that I will ultimately disappoint, and the scared shakings of a girl who has not felt this way in pretty much forever. And these new miles, well I wish I could fold up the world to make things closer, or that I could gather up my shattered brick wall and build a bridge between us, one that was easier to cross.

But, for now, I will wait and believe. I'll lean against the wall and take in the street signs, the shared moments, and the things that sometimes we miss when we rush too quickly. I'll be here. Because in the midst of everything, all the changes that have occurred in my life over the past years, and all the uncertainty that seems to swirl around me, there are some things I do believe in.